Growing Up

So, now that we know what the point of my blog is, I figured I should probably talk about how I got here.

I know everyone says it, but, I really did have an amazing childhood. I was the youngest of 3 and also the only girl. I grew up in a VERY small town. Lake Placid, NY to be exact. My brothers and I had everything we wanted and more. We had magical Christmases and my mom really knew how to throw an awesome Birthday party. My dad was in the restaurant business and worked a LOT. My mom ran an in-home daycare. She decided to go back to school to become a nurse when I was about 5, and over the course of the next few years, she obtained that goal and graduated at the top of her class.

My dad worked a LOT. I mean, a lot, a lot. We spent many holidays by going into the restaurant to have dinner with him (while he often got interrupted and had to get up and down 100 times throughout the meal). My mom would take my brothers and I on vacation and my dad would often have to stay behind to work. But, when my dad was around, we loved it. We always made sure to spend his days doing fun things as a family. Even if it just meant playing Mile Bournes and other various games as a family.

My parents were pretty strict. Okay, maybe really strict. LOL. They were the kind of parents that had to know exactly where you were going, who you were going to be with, if an adult would be present, and when we were going to be home. They often started out by calling the parents to make sure they would be home as well. I used to get SO embarrassed by that. After having children of my own, I appreciate it. This was also before cell phones. So you bet your ass they would be handing me quarters and telling me I better check in. It didn’t matter if I needed to find a pay phone, I better do it. Or I’d be in trouble.

I am not really sure what the turning point was for me. I do know that I ALWAYS felt like I wasn’t enough. My brothers are 2 very good looking guys. They were extremely athletic and had a lot of friends in school. The funny thing is, I have always been extremely outgoing, and I also had a lot of friends. But, I was ALWAYS comparing myself to them. I used to (and sometimes still do 😉 ) refer to them as “the precious boys”.

I never felt pretty enough. I never felt smart enough. I had friends with every type of person in school. The popular kids, the sporty kids, the emo kids, the nerdy kids. I always made a point to befriend the kids that didn’t have many friends. But, I never felt like I really fit in with any specific type.

I was extremely musical. I played the alto saxophone, clarinet, bass clarinet, piano, and my main instrument was the oboe. But, my biggest passion was singing. I truly did have a gift. I would lose myself in the music. Music is something you can relate to. I sang the national anthem at ECAC Hockey games and I also sang on stage with Edwin McCain back before he was pretty big. I know that I absolutely loved the nervous feeling I got before going on stage. I loved it even more when I had the audience in tears by the sound of my voice. The thrill that I got from a clapping audience was a rush. I loved it.

When I was 15, my parents told me the worst news of my life (at the time LOL). We were moving to Myrtle Beach, SC. I was a MESS. I cried the entire 18 hour car ride down to SC and played an extremely depressing playlist that my friends had made me before I left.

The first day of school at the new school, I decided to wear a denim mini skirt, a pink button down shirt from Abercrombie and Fitch, and a white denim jacket. I walked into the classroom and some ass hole shouted “YES!!!!! We have a substitute teacher!!!!!!!!” After I took my seat, he was like “Ohhhhh….she’s new.” I on the other hand, was mortified. The girls at the new school were not welcoming at all. The boys were all intrigued by the new girl. But, the girls wanted nothing to do with me. I spent my lunch hour walking around the school or sitting in a bathroom stall sobbing. I HATED it.

The next year, I switched to a different High School. They had been in the process of building it and my parents picked their house because they knew it was in the school district that the school was in. I started making friends and getting involved as much as I could. But, I still never felt like I fit in with anyone. And that is when I found opiates.

It started out just taking handfuls of pain pills here and there. I had some things happen to me at a party that I will talk about later. And, I think I did go down hill after that. I am not going to get into all the details of my past, because I need to save SOME things for later. But, by the time I was 18 I was a full blown “junkie”. I did anything and everything I could to support my habit.

My parents never gave up on me. At one point, when they were trying to get me to go to a treatment center, my mom was hysterical. She told me she wished I was dead because then she would at least know I wasn’t suffering anymore. I was not welcome at their house. I was not welcome at family gatherings….unless I decided to get help. My mom even wrote the Dr. Phil show and I almost appeared on the show. We had to send in pictures of our family and spent hours on the phone with the producers. But, they ultimately decided my issues were too extreme for the show, and they would keep my stuff on file. My mom was devastated.

Throughout the years, I saw a psychiatrist. in 2007 she told my parents about a “miracle drug” for opiate addicts. It was called suboxone. I started taking it. And man….how my life changed. I felt better. I was able to live a normal, functioning life. I still take it today. There are people that look down on the use of maintenance medications. But, I know the person I am without it. If taking a medication every day helps keep me good daughter, a good sister, a good wife, and a good mom, then that’s enough for me. I was in a serious car accident in 2009, 4 days after I had my first baby (more about that later). So, I also use it as Pain Management. Suboxone for me, is SO much better than taking copious amounts of pain medicine. It has really given me a life I never thought was possible.

At 32 years old, my life isn’t exactly where I wished it was. I don’t own my own home. I don’t have a college degree. But, I am slowly getting there. I no longer piss off my family just by my presence. I don’t lie. I don’t steal. I don’t cheat. I don’t manipulate. I am the person I always was before I decided to completely ruin my life with opiates. I am a GOOD person. I work tirelessly on my group on FB and I don’t get paid for it. I do it strictly because I love the feeling I get when a new mom tells me she has learned so much. I love the feeling I get when given praise. So, maybe it’s selfish. But, it’s a good selfish.

This post was a lot longer than I imagined it would be. And, I still am not even nearly finished with sharing certain details. But, hopefully you get the idea of who I was and why I decided to do this.

More soon!

❤ Caitlin

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